DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune
and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you
like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a
p**s before the film starts.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually
speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity
stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old
bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red
wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the
stains.

SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial
tomfoolery after a trip to Truprint.

MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to
yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out
at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on
you.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs
into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the
volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife
from having to do it.

GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by
Royal Mail.

BANGING: two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very
small horse is approaching.

ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and
wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on
their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving
everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the
morning, simply move it all back again.

CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables
may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply
shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.
Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you
are listening to the sea.

JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your
bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside
Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally
glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into
boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3
miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub,
where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in
with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.