You're momma's so fat people say she's got a celestial body...Ah the beautiful rhythm of a mum cuss, it quenches my mind's thirst like a camel's first glug of water after a 14 day desert hike. Delicious!

We all love a good insult and even better, a great come-back or retort. Like in the Simpsons when Lisa says to Bart, "Bart, that's tomorrow's dinner" to which Bart wittily replies, "You're tomorrow's dinner!!" Brilliant, did you see what he did there? I usually try and take what someone said to me and turn it into an insult, just like Bart. It is the very pinnacle of a canny quip. Maybe...for a 5 year-old...with brain rot...

Anyway here's a hilarious list of some of the greatest retorts in the history of retortage, so read up and next time someone calls you a 'Feeble, pitiable sh#t herder with the brain of a retarded toad', as people often call me, you can come-back with something cutting like 'Yeah, well you're a retarded toad!' That'll learn 'em.

I'll leave you with a quote from Groucho Marx. While not quite a retort it is at least a brilliant response. When asked by his friend S. J. Perelman about whether he'd read Perelman's new book Marx replied, 'From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.'

You know for a while cooking, for me, got a bit mudane, a but samey, I'd used the finest ingredients from around the globe and beyond - space dust from the impact craters on Mars, flown in by NASA - scrumptious. I've had the elusive Yeti ass-truffle from the foothills of the Himalayas - delectable; ayahuasca from the Peruvian jungle, that was an interesting night, and of course the infamous yet elusive vaginal moss, only found in the outermost boglands of Scatland. Yeah you could say they were well sourced, but getting everything you want sometimes gets boring, then I discovered this recipe book.

It's revolutionised my life, my wife now licks her plate, and my balls, clean and recipes like Jerk-Off Chicken and Man-Jamburger go down as easy as a well kept mistress at every dinner party I host, and my Raviolo Of Jiz and Lobster with Spicy Creamed Cabbage With A Warm Potato & Semen Puree is a sensation!! After reading this book, my wife now often asks me to fill her meat taco with semen, she loves it!

If you don't want to believe me then just check out the comments from these satisfied and grateful cooks, who've been delighting their friends with this nectar of the gods. It's just touching...yourself. If you thought whisking cream tired your arm out, then just try whisking up some of this cream!